This past week, we celebrated Felix crossing the 8 month mark. To say it's been a wild, amazing, crazy, enlightening, beautiful, trialing journey is an understatement. We've learned so much and feel as if we've lived several lifetimes over the course of the past year.
At the start of our journey, I searched out fellow "non-bio mom's" and new parents in similar situations. I subscribed to blogs, joined a message board and checked out the handful of books written from the "other mother/non-bio/lesbian dad" standpoint.
I then watched as my lovely wife checked out book after book on pregnancy and birth, as she laughed and joined in on The Bump's forums and followed along with several other "two moms" blogs who were expecting around the same time. She quickly found a community, both in the hetero and queer arenas.
I, on the other hand, felt like I could hear my voice echo on any of the non-bio forums and never quite connected with any of the "standard" non-bio books I picked up. They were great for "here's my story" resources but I couldn't help thinking HOLY BEJESUS I'M HAVING A KID IN LESS THAN 9 MONTHS! I need something to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing to prepare NOW.
I kept digging for a resource that was at least gender neutral, if not queer slanted. With the surge in "cool dad" resources and a gazillion gaybies happening just in my own social group, I couldn't believe there wasn't something more out there. After a couple of weeks, I gave up hope, bought "Dad's Pregnant Too" and mentally crossed out the Dads/Dudes/"He"/Guys. It ended up being a wonderful resource, quick, engaging, amusing read with tons of tips but I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted something that was just for me.
This isn't to say there aren't books and resources out there, there's a small handful of standbys and new stuff comes out every day.
I just want MORE.
I want forums and journals and inclusive books, I want baby books I can buy without placing a special order, I want gift baskets with options for all family types, I want onesies that say Sweet like Mom, Handsome like Momma. I want ALL of it.
This..well this isn't all of it. This isn't even most of it.
This is a start. Another hand raised up, another pen to paper, another voice added to the clamor.
I spent a lot of PB's early pregnancy feeling rather lost myself. I *was* an expectant mother... just not a pregnant one. Which is a bit of weird place to be in, socially. As a non-gestational parent, some of the "dad" stuff fit, and some of it didn't. As an expectant mother, some of the "mommy-to-be" stuff fit, and some of it didn't. (Not to mention that telling anyone I was expecting a baby meant coming out, which I'm fairly comfortable with, but it's still one more hoop to jump through.)
ReplyDeleteI have noticed, though, that the older Critter gets, and the less he's breastfeeding, the less the difference the non-gestational thing makes. Now we're just his moms, and that's about it.
I think in a lot of ways queer parents have to create our own paths, and figure out our own roles, rather than having a model on which to fall back. And it's hard, but rewarding. I can't help hoping that our children will benefit, too, as they see us defining ourselves in our own terms, rather than by what's expected of us.
Such a true statement about coming out, I too am fairly comfortable but had kept it out of my work life unless A) I work with them everyday or B) they asked directly. As S's due date got closer though, I found I was explaining to an increasing number of people and now, it's just a part of my everyday story.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hiding before but this transition to saying "my wife and son" has shifted the stress I used to feel about it.
You're absolutely right, sometimes I wonder what we could do with all the time we've spent trying to fit into models of what we already know. Here's to creating new paths and raising our children to create their own.